To Huffsplain or Not To Huffsplain

(This is an old blog post that I’ve decided to repost here for easier access, it’s mostly satirical)

The HuffPost has invented a new verb: Huffsplaining. It’s when someone, usually a white woman, decides to write an article that thankfully replaces boring facts that would usually accompany a piece of journalism with beautiful emotion and social justice. Also it is almost always aimed at men. Emily Peck bravely engaged in this recently when she decided it was yet again time to try to take men down a peg because of a disgusting joke an Uber exec made about how women talk too much. Ms. Peck decided that the firefighters, soldiers, janitors, police officers, trash men, coast guards, farmers, fathers, sons, husbands, and all the dudes resting in military cemeteries needed a good huffsplain. I must say that kind of bravery really does take some big “huffs.” She could literally be facing a barrage of hurtful tweets for her courageous free speech!

But I just want to thank Emily for her bravery. And for the bravery of all the huffsplainers out there! It’s a good reminder to men like me, who just can’t seem to stop mansplaining, that really we do need to just shut up. Especially if you’re an Uber Exec who is in the presence of the original revolutionary huff splainer in all her huff glory: Ariana Huffington! It’s amazing how such a teeny tiny weak woman like her can rise like Wonder Woman out of the trenches of WWI (or as it’s known at Columbia University: International Manspreading #3,000) and get a coworker to quit within 24 hours. Now that’s some huff!

Mansplaining really is quite horrible. I remember there was once a guy…I think he was assassinated under strange circumstances…he mansplained from a jail I think…a jail in Birmingham I believe? I could be misremembering this. I tried to find a huffsplain so I’d have all the correct facts about it but all I found was this article on racist Chinese food Racist Chinese Food. Oh wait sorry that’s a mansplain! Trigger warning trigger warning “Danger Betty Freidan Danger!” Shut it down! Here’s a good huffsplain to heal your soul: Huffsplain!

I just feel so sparkly fresh after I take a nice huff shower full of virtue signally goodness. And the best part is I don’t even have to do anything to feel better about myself! Just signal my virtue to myself.

In any case that birmingham jail mansplainer did cause a lot of trouble. He apparently triggered a whole bunch of people to take to the streets and like change the world or something. I don’t really understand it all but it looks like it was really nasty. A lot more nasty than the women’s march. That’s probably why Ashley Judd and co haven’t ever been shot at like the jailed mansplainer was. He was far more nasty than Madonna’s post menopausal huffsplain about terrorist attacks on the White House.

Another horrible mansplainer was this skinny naked guy that made Winston Churchill really upset like a billion years ago. I think he was eventually shot & killed. Probably served him right. Mansplaining is just awful. It’s too bad somebody didn’t get that Churchill fellow too. Those colonists are all horrible mansplainers.

If we go back further into ancient history there was actually a terrible mansplainer who became Potus. He was quite ugly, with a beard, and very tall. He also wore a stove pipe hat that accentuated his tallness, compensating much? Mansplainers are so insecure in their maniness. One time in a debate he apparently betrayed his hatred for LGBTQs by claiming that if a dog called its own tail a leg it would not become a 5 legged dog! Dogs can think they have as many legs they want! That’s racist. He must have been like the Charles Murray and Chik Fil A of his time. Stop the H8te! But it all ended well because thankfully this horrible creepy looking mansplainer was shot for his horrible mansplaining. And he was of course shot by an actor. Anyone who thinks actors can’t change the world has never seen a Sean Penn movie. Fast Times at Ridgemont High turned on a whole new generation of disaffected youth to marijuana.

But maybe the worst mansplainer ever was this Jewish guy who lived in like the mezosoic, the best scholars in the world aren’t even sure if he was real anymore, but one time he allegedly stopped a bunch of people from giving a local sex worker some marijuana. I guess he wrote some magic symbols in the dirt that scared off some of these stoners and then he started mansplaining like crazy. He said unless they hadn’t “sinned” they couldn’t get her stoned! And then after he scared away the stoners he continued to mansplain to the sex worker that she had to quit her job or else. And then she bravely said “what if I persisted” and he mansplained his finger at her and said “you better not, you better not.” Fortunately this awful mansplainer also ended up dead for his mansplaining.

I agree with the heroic Lena Dunham. You should always get an abortion if you think you have a future mansplainer crawling around up in there! And you should probably do the same thing if you don’t have a potential MSer. The reason is that chances are your baby won’t grow up to be a great huffsplainer like you. More likely she’ll fall in love with some MSer because of her internalized misogyny. And there’s nothing worse than that crap. Especially when you got it crawling around inside you. Flush out that little misogynist and replace it with a little bit of me love!

Huffsplainer out.

Educator, podcaster, & writer