The times they are a changin. Millennials are so woke they were able to see all the hatred and phobias that the awful writers and producers of Friends had hidden within that terrible piece of white supremacist propaganda. But this is only the beginning. Time is UP! for every single misogynistic, patriarchal, anti anything story that has ever been made. It is our moral duty to find any and every phobic implication in anything ever. Here’s a list of what I’ve found so far. Get ready to cry, your pop culture life has been built on the bones of transgender immigrants.
1. 12 Angry Men, Lawrence of Arabia, and The Thing. These films all have their own horrible anti woke problems but not only do these films fail the blechdel test they don’t have a single line of dialogue from a woman! Awful!
2. Ace Venture: Pet Detective. Transgender people will steal dolphins and try to kill you! Awful!
3. Batman, anything featuring Batman. We’re supposed to feel sorry for some rich white guy just because his rich white parents were murdered by some poor dude who didn’t have access to Obamacare? Please. Stop wasting that money on your Bat fetish Bruce and get woke. Batman is just a Nazi that beats up on minorities while propping up a failing capitalist empire. He should be fighting for a single payer health system. Or at least tweeting about it.
4. Casablanca. Two cis whites fighting over a woman like she’s a scrap of meat. Why doesn’t she get to decide? How come Rick decides for her? When he puts her on that plane he might as well be raping her. And the glorification of marriage over sex is just bonkers. I don’t care if they were fighting the Nazis, nothing is more important than expressing your personal sexual identity as often and as public as possible. And Billy Crystal pointed out in when Harry Met Sally that Elsa was way more “into” Rick if you catch my drift. This whole film is just one big attack on the sexual revolution trying to put the female orgasm back in its Bible shaped cage. And on top of that it’s serenaded by a poor black man, who has nothing better to do (cause ya know white privilege) than follow Rick around his whole life watching him get laid. Also just look at the name! Casa means house and blanca means white! It’s literally the White House. That name is super racist anyway but right now the racist in chief lives there so the name is even more offensive!
5. The Crying Game. This one is probably okay…if it had been set in Wakanda! There’s nothing less woke than white terrorists. The IRA are just fighting for more white privilege.
6. Dressed to Kill. Transgender people will kill you. Awful!
7. Dog Day Afternoon. LGBTQ#$% people will kill you. Awful!
8. Double Indemnity (pretty much every Film Noir). Insinuates that women are evil for trying to improve their lives. I don’t care who she wanted to murder! White privilege is really male white privilege and its time is UP! (speaking of UP check out #27)
9. ET. This is a pro trump film if ever I’ve seen one. It’s depiction of Mexicans is completely barbaric, akin to the black “people” in the original birth of a nation. Yet we think the little brown alien who can’t speak English very well is like some cute weird teddy bear. Mexicans aren’t little brown monsters! They’re 4/5s of a person on the intersectionality scale (5/6s if you’re gay and 6/7s if you’re a gay woman). But this film clearly was about “grubby little dreamers.” So condescending! An illegal alien gets left behind in suburban America and is forced to live in secrecy fearing for his life. Then at the end of the film DACA gets reversed and the poor little dreamer has to go home! Also the implication that single motherhood is in any way abnormal is just unconscionable. Spielberg should apologize!
10. Get Out. This film should be exempt. It’s about racism by a very woke black director. But the problem is that he’s a dude. And he’s depicting several women in a villainous predatory light. This film is clearly about Mr. Peele’s fear of interracial coupling. And that means it actually falls into the anti Hillary grouping making it not woke enough. I mean all the characters are clearly east coast liberals. Biting the hand that feeds you much? Tsk tsk Mr. Peele. How can we all be fully anti Trump’s white supremacy machine if you’re going to take sides against Hillary and the minority loving democrats who are keeping the welfare state going? It’s a rhetorical question obviously. Make another film that mocks the democratic party and we’ll let Jesse Jackson out of his cage long enough to make your life miserable (nobody is keeping JJ in a cage and I apologize for any pain the imagery caused).
11. The Incredibles. The only woke thing about this awful film is that Brad Bird voiced Edna Mode. But that tiny piece of gender liberation isn’t enough to make up for this pro Trump disaster. You see this film clearly predicted the rise of the white alt right. A traditional white nuclear family with super powers on the run from the government? Child please. Everyone knows that people whose parents are married to each other stand to do far better in every single measurable positive social outcome. That is the definition of privilege. Cis white privilege. This romanticizing of the nuclear family comes fully loaded with a stay at home mom and an eldest daughter who is clearly a closeted lesbian. Why not let her out of the closet Mr Bird? Why do white dudes have to hold all the keys? Ridiculous. Also need I mention Samuel L Jackson’s pathetic token minority superhero? His super power is to make snow! So not only is he a token in a super duper white film but his power is to make more whiteness? Leave a man some dignity set him free to go live in Wakanda!
12. Junior. Arnold Schwarzenegger gives birth? Actually this one is probably okay. As Eric Idle immortally said in the greatest Bible film ever made “It’s every man’s right to have babies if he wants them.” Deconstructing white Germanic toxic masculinity is a beautiful thing. Also Arnold is an immigrant.
13. Mrs. Doubtfire. Transgenderism is a big silly joke.
14. Notorious. Ingrid Bergman is slut shammed.
15. Pinocchio. Are we really worried that boys won’t self actualize? Seems like that’s all they do! Though I must admit the idea that lying is directly related to phallus size is quite funny. That is a great piece of deconstruction.
16. Psycho. Transgender people will kill you.
17. Schindler’s List. This film was woke once upon a time. But today it just looks like a bunch of white people whining about how they’ve had their privileges taken away. I mean I get it, the holocaust was not great public policy. But haven’t we gotten past it yet? I mean the Jews turned right around and started to genocide the Palestinians as soon as they got the chance so it’s hard to feel bad for them. Just ask the women’s march led by the super woke Louis Farrakhan. He’s a real hero for anti-Semitism, which used to be bad but now its not because it’s like anti-misogyny or something. Artistically this film really is amazing though. It should be digitally reedited so that all the Jews are replaced by homosexual First Peoples. That should woke it up a bit!
18. Shawshank Redemption. White man goes free and the black man has to serve out his sentence. It’s basically a documentary. #13th
19. Silence of the Lambs. Transgender people will kill you.
20. The Sleepaway Camp series. Transgender people will try to kill your children.
21. The Sound of Music. Women must choose between marriage, motherhood or religion to be happy. Why can’t they just choose lesbianism and welfare? Also a musical with an all white “Austrian” cast? Sounds like something that Wagner would dream about.
22. Sunset Boulevard. When an actress gets old and ugly you should just lock her away! Real great message. Women aren’t crazy! They’re driven crazy by idiot men. White men.
23. Superman, anything featuring Superman. We’re supposed to feel bad for a whole planet of elite white folks blowing up because they weren’t woke enough to hear Mother Gaia’s cry for help? The Kryptonians got what they deserved. But worst of all the mythology actually romanticizes white small town life in Kansas! Kansas! I can’t think of a less woke place in the entire world. They use the Bible as a science textbook there. But we’re supposed to believe that Superman’s moral compass was formed in “anti woke ville”? Child PLEASE! He should have landed in the Soviet Union, at least then he’d have learned how to share. (#redson) And what’s with Aliens being white? I mean come on we’ve got enough whitey on our actual planet. Why when we write fiction do we always fantasize that aliens are cis whites? They could be anything! They should be anything but white, straight, and male.
24. The Terminator Franchise. The morale of this ridiculous IP is that “women are just birth machines used by society to produce white men who will be our saviors in the distant future.” Sarah Connor is no feminist role model. She tries to be woke in the second film but winds up almost assassinating a black man whom she irrationally believes is going to destroy the world. But in the first vile outing she basically gets mansplained to for 90 minutes and winds up a single pregnant mother. Kyle Reese was a real turd. She should’ve aborted John Connor and lived her life for her self just like the great eugenicist Margaret Sanger would’ve wanted.
25. To Kill a Mockingbird. Women don’t lie about rape. They never have and they never will. Yet somehow we came to view Atticus Fitch as some kind of icon of the civil rights movement. This film is beyond misogynistic, its flat out patriarchal worship. I mean the main character is a little girl with no mother who idolizes her father? Child PLEASE. If someone ever tells you to stand up to honor your misogynistic father you just do what Saint Kaepernick would do and kneel instead.
26. Touch of Evil. Isn’t it bad enough that Charlton Heston co-opted Jewish culture twice? Then he had to go after the Mexicans!?!? White washing didn’t start here but man is this a horrible example of it. Heston played Moses and Judah Ben Hur, which technically makes it worse because despite William Wyler’s Jewish heritage that film implies that Jesus actually existed despite all of the lack of scientific evidence that he ever did. Orson Welles’ bones should be dug up and burned for making this piece of trash. Also anything with Heston is retroactively de woked whenever a gun kills anybody anywhere. Drink up Judah Ben Hur indeed! Drink up your racism!
27. UP. This film is just plain evil. The dog literally talks more than the female lead because she dies in the first 20 seconds (give or take). They couldn’t wait to kill her off! It implies that women can’t be happy without pregnancy. And I’m sorry but a creepy old guy hanging out with a mentally disabled boy scout is simply not entertainment. It perpetuates dirty little myths of the boy scouts and Nambla. My theory is that this was originally a horror film and they adapted it incorrectly. Epic fail.
Woke up Hollywood! Your time is UP!