Representative Raskin Reveals All!

The most amazing thing the American people discovered on July 12 during Peter Strzok’s House Testimony had nothing to do with Trump, Clinton, Comey, Russia, or really anything related to anything that actually matters.

But numerous (and I might add meaningless) unsolved mysteries were resolved during an extremely odd line of questioning. To be fair much of the “questioning” was bizarre but none more so than Representative Jamie Raskin. In order to make an ironic rhetorical point concerning Strzok’s “innocence” over masterminding a massive GOP conspiracy to attack Donald Trump he began to ask him question after question about virtually everything under the sun. The questions are transcribed here because it is astounding that no other media outlet has reported on these bizarre and revealing statements.

Jamie Raskin (JR): In the spring of 2016 Senator Ted Cruz called Donald Trump a sniveling coward, pathological liar, and a serial philanderer? Was this attack on Trump by senator Ted Cruz a coordinated part of a deep state conspiracy that you organized?

Peter Strzok (PS): No.

JR: Is Jonah Goldberg the real person behind the Twitter account comfortably smug?

PS: No, not even Jonah is that smug.

JR: Please 1 word answers only. On August 8 2016 Senator Marco Rubio said Donald Trump was unworthy of being our president. Was this attack part of a deep state conspiracy that you organized?

PS: No.

JR: The lyric to the popular song Louie Louie “A fine little girl, she wait for me” is actually an admission of guilt to the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby isn’t it?

PS: Yes.

JR: In October of 2016 speaker Paul Ryan said “I am not going to defend Donald Trump not now not in the future” was this fleeting outburst moral courage or part of the deep state conspiracy that you organized?

PS: No.

JR: No to which part?

PS: I do not recall writing that text message.

JR: excuse me?

PS: Look it was late and I was high…

Interrupting, JR: No no I’m on your side I’m not going to ask you about text messages. No to which part of the question I asked?

PS: I’m sorry can you repeat it?

JR: Hell no, we don’t have time for that. It doesn’t matter anyway we all know Paul Ryan is a gigantic p — -y. My next question is Former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called Donald Trump a moron, former EPA Scott Pruitt said he’s an empty vessel, when it comes to the constitution Steve Bannon said he’s like an 11 year old child, General H R McMaster referred to Donald Trump reportedly as a dope and idiot with the intelligence of a kindergartner, Carl Rove called him a complete idiot, Representative Duncan Hunter said he’s an A Hole but he’s our A Hole, and the director of the national economic council Jerry Coyne reportedly sent out an email describing Trump as an Idiot surrounded by Clowns, were all of these peturbative negative characterizations of Donald Trump part of a deep state GOP conspiracy engineered by you and your friends?

PS: umm

JR: Answer the question.

PS: It’s just that you said friends and I only really talk to Lisa anymore.

JR: Dude you are just the worst. Next Question! What kind of bear is best?

PS: Black obviously.

JR: Good. Is it not true that the 4th message on the Kryptos sculpture outside Langley, believed to be as of yet undecoded, is in fact the KFC original recipe for fried chicken which includes the formula for a species of nicotine that once ingested makes the consumer crave it fortnightly?

PS: As you know council for the FBI has instructed me not to answer questions relevant to the ongoing Russia investigation.

JR: Son of a b — -h I promised my grandmother on her death bed that I would find that recipe. Ya know I introduced you to Lisa? Do you remember that? And this is how you repay…

Interrupting, PS: can I please…

Interrupting, Chairman: the witness does not the authority to openly address…

Interrupting, JR: Bob for God’s sake would you just shut up! Next question. If there is an anti Trump conspiracy it is clearly made up of GOP rats. But I am an honorable man versed in the ways of justice. I know much about the various lawyerings [sic], from American bird law to well international bird law. So in the pursuit of balanced and fair inquiry I must of course ask you about some Democrats now. Where the hell is Tupac?

PS: As you know council for the FBI has instructed me not to answer questions relevant to the ongoing Russia investigation.

JR had to be brought a new mic at this point. His previous one had been mangled and thrown across the room in anger.

JR: Again I’d like to apologize for my outburst. But now for more democrats and their potential for anti Trump conspiracy. Bruce Springsteen is my hero and of course he is a Democrat, and he is my hero, and he said The Republic is under siege by a moron. Did you tell him, my hero, to say that as part of a deep state conspiracy to criticize the president?

PS: No.

JR: Mr Springsteen, who the record will show is my hero, also once said “Wizard imps and sweat sock pimps, Interstellar mongrel nymphs, Rex said that lady left him limp, Love’s like that…sure it is…sure it is.” We should all take that to heart during these trying times. And on that profound note I concede the rest of my time to a moment of silence for the suffering of Elizabeth Warren’s ancestors at the hands of racist privileged men like me. Long live the noble Wakacha!

You’re welcome America. The upshot is Tupac is probably in Russia.

Educator, podcaster, & writer

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